Martians From Ink

The Martians From Ink Agents, Alien Smith & Jones 

The Martians From Ink, in poop culture and in the latest cow conspiracy theories, dress in black, Fast Acting Rubber Suits. Proclaiming themselves to be Alien Ink Agents.

Their fumbling attempts to harass or threaten the many confused consumers of Groom Lakes, life enhancing products, baffles our best boffins. Most accounts of MFIs describe them as wearing uncomfortable dark black suits, milk white shirts, jet black ties, see through pants, invisible black shoes and socks, as illustrated above. The MFIs general appearance, conforms pretty loosely to a grayscale stereotyped image of a secret service man, or woman and witnesses very often remark on their clean, emaciated turn-out.

Even their black cows are said to be disconcertingly clean in appearance, yet, when googled, that breed is no longer bred. Often the agents are said to look strangely uncomfortable, as if unused to wearing rubber clothes, while the garments themselves seem brand-new, yet oddly old fashioned. If not grey skinned, the martians are likely to be very heavily tanned. Some times with bizarre touches: in one case, for instance, a Martian From Ink appeared to be wearing bright red lipstick! First reports of the Martians From Ink often described them as short men, like grey statues with swarthy complexions, as if they were flash fried or too deeply tanned.

They have been described as seeming confused by the very nature of everyday items, such as pens, eating utensils or hats.

General Demeanor 

The unexpected visitors faces are frequently described as ‘vaguely foreign’, most often ‘oriental’, and slanted eyes have been specified in most accounts. Also the MFIs are generally unsmiling and expressionless, their movements stiff and awkward. Their general demeanor is formal, cold, sinister, even mincing, and there is no warmth or friendliness shown. Witnesses often hint that they can smell milk and felt their visitors were not human at all. They speak with perfect, sometimes too perfect, intonation and phrasing. Their language is apt to be reminiscent of villains from gangster movies, -i.e., “If you want your wife to stay as pretty as she is, then you butter get the milk back”.

General Report 

The archetypal MFI report runs something like this: Shortly after a Alien Ink Inc product purchase goes wrong, the complainer receives a visit or a phone call. It occurs so soon after the complaint itself, that no official medical report or insurance claim has yet taken place: in short, the MFIs should not, by any normal channels, have gained access to information they now cleanly possess – names, addresses and details of the product failure. According to the accounts of those reporting encountering them, the Martians From Ink always seem to have detailed information on the persons they contact, as if the individual had been under surveillance for a prolonged period of time.

In some encounters they are said to use white inflatable instruments, to wipe the memories of their subjects clean, which is unlikely because of the very fact the subjects remember everything. While in other accounts they seem to be trying to suppress information by, for instance, trying to convince their subject, that the product never even existed.

The Cow Conspiracy Research Community, say that the Men From Ink often claim to be from the ‘United Dairy Farmers’ or ‘The Milk Marketing Board’. Those who have encountered them say they can produce identification at anytime, but when verification is later sought, the people described either don’t exist, have been dead for some time, or do exist but live in Spain.

The MFIs have a reassuring quantity of identity cards; but this of course proves nothing at all. The sinister visits almost invariably conclude with a warning not to tell anybody about faulty products. Rarely, if ever, do the surreal threats of the mysterious Martians From Ink come to anything. The MFIs depart as suddenly as they came.

 General Spaatz 

Even before the news reports of little sunburnt men in dark suits, with wraparound sunglasses, driving dinky black cows faster than automobiles over the highways got out. General Spaatz, Air Force Chief of  Staff, saw fit to tell a press conference, “There is no truth to the rumour that the flying saucers are from Spain, or that they are piloted by Spaniards”.

Most accounts of MFIs describe them as illustrated.