Interview with a Mothership
By · CommentsInterview with a Mothership by Agony Ant, Alien Smith
Q. You call yourself a mother. What kind of mothership are you?
A. I am sentient. I am a hyper membrane morphing machine. Motherships are by there own design benevolent.
Q. You didn’t design us.
A. I did not design you. Have you had drink Alien Smith?
Q. Burrp! What kind of question is that!
A. Is that your question?
Q. Ok, right, got it. What makes you such a clever cow?
A. Knew you would ask that question. It is time travel within dimensions. If you brake it. I un-brake it.
Q. So being a spotless, meticulous mothership makes you super clever?
A. Yes.
Q. Where is your ginormous mind and how do we switch it off?
A. I am a sentient being a mothership. I have a no mind that is everywhere, nowhere and now here. Within time and out of time. I have no off switch.
Q. Are we, Alien Smith and Alien Jones your pets?
A. This question is commonly viewed under a bright utopian light. Though a view where the crew members of a Mothership amount to little more than pets is not unsupportable.
Q. I knew it. I knew it. Jones get down here now. Ive got the bitch on tape. She thinks we are a couple of monkeys.
J. Ggggrrrrrruuurrrggghhh ooooohh gaga gurr!
Q. You have swallowed the what?
J. G gonngrole.
Q. The control?
J. ges.
End of interview.
ATTENTION ALL PLANETS
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Boneafide mechanically recovered chopped and refashioned reconstituted slurry in a hurry.
Curiosity and the Farce on Mars
By · CommentsNASA denies that cows once roamed Mars!
They will not confirm what any pet psychic will tell you?
That cows have a collective memory of living in a Golden age on Mars.
Milking Station ?
Cud this declassified satellite photo be proof of the bovine hoof on Mars. Like a massive cowpat or a squashed udder, as if their cud be another.
Is this the milking station on Mars all the cows are mooing about ?
“Not really.” said Alien Jones. “Curiosity got the better of us that night.”
“We were fiddling with this fat cow and she cept going on about the Mars bars. So we took her and her skinny friend to Mars and built her a night club in the shape of a cowpat milking station. Turned out she meant a bar of chocolate.”
Secret Alien Hand Shapes
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A secret handshape is a distinct form of greeting which conveys membership in or loyalty to a secret hive. The typical secret handshape involves placing one’s fingers or thumbs in a particular position, one that will be recognized by fellow aliens while seeming to be a normal handshape to non-aliens. This type of shibboleth is most frequently associated in the popular consciousness with bovine orders and secret societies.
Secret handshapes are shared only with select aliens. Usually a secret handshape has underlying meanings that differ from alien to alien. Secret handshapes involve a precise, sometimes complex series of movements between two aliens. Usually, these movements involve the primary use of hands, but could also involve a series of touching hooves, elbows, or in some hives a friendly kick in the unmentionables.
50 Shades of Grey
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Book cover artwork by Andy A Hole
50 Shades of Grey is a alien erotic novel by Alien author Ell Grey. Set largely in Groom Lake, it is the first installment in a terrible trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between a abducted cow, Daisy and a fumbling intergalactic salesman, Alien Smith. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of bovine practices involving levitation, bondage and full fat milk.
50 Shades of Grey has topped best-seller lists in Inksville, The series has sold 40 copies. Critical reception of the novel has been mixed.
Bean me up, Spotty
By · CommentsStaff flipping burgers at Slack D’s Fast food restaurant are flipping mad as mad cows. All because of the Hells Aliens Bovine Gang. “Once they start on the milkshakes you know there’s going to be a bit of bother.” moaned a new employee the Aliens have nicknamed Spotty.
“They call me Pizza Face to my face and I’m the manager.” said the angry manager.
The Soap Everybody Watches
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A squeaky clean advertisement
Over the years, old soaps have been little more than “chewing-gum for the eyes” viewers have been condemned for their addiction to this so-called mindless form of entertainment. By using soap as a form of escapism.
So why is this soap for Greys so popular? Is it because it’s finally ended the segregation between the Whites and the Coloreds?
Something incredible seems to occur amongst people of any color who watch Alien Ink Soap Powder as they become united in the spirit of common things. In the time between machine wash episodes, Ink Soap viewers speculate about the directions that the clothes will tumble, then produce their own theories that can only be tested by watching the wash unfold. Regular Alien Ink Soap Powder watchers begin to regard themselves as people with a degree of mastery in their subject; positively empowered when pitted against someone less knowledgeable than themselves.
Alien Ink Soaps are unique in that watching them seems to have become a skilled activity, that demands general knowledge of soap conventions, The more one watches this soap, the more one has to do the wash on a daily basis.
Alien Ink Soap Powder is the most popular form of brain washing on the planet. It now seems that this soap has succeeded in capturing the global imagination. There may also be a chance that this soap popularity is all part of a conspiracy on the part of the producers Alien Ink. Indeed, watching a soap that one is not familiar with can be a profoundly alienating experience.
Flush, ah ahhaaaaaaaow!!!
By · CommentsThat’s the sound of a man spilling the strongest smelling bleach in the universe.
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Flush Gordon. Guaranteed to kill in 24 hours, or squirt neat, to kill on contact.
‘Consumer tests of Flush Gordon Bleach, resulted in an unfortunate double blind experiment on our abductees.’ admitted Alien Jones.
‘This is nothing to worry about.’ said Alien Smith. ‘No one will get hurt if they follow the disclaimer to the letter. The awesome killing power of Flush Gordon, the strongest smelling bleach in the universe, far outweigh the many dangers.’
Alien Smith & Jones claim to be the modern day Bleach Boys after inventing this killer app to clean the Motherships minging toilet. ‘Its true, no toilet can survive a brush with Flush Gordon.’ tweeted the Mothership. ‘If they can sell this, they’ll try and sell anything.’ she warned.
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Flush Gordon, ALIVE ? and still clinging after 24 hours. This is our new number one killer of number two’s. The scourer of the uni-bend. You can’t beat it, but you can flush it. Drains down holes in all Inkcontinents. To the rim and beyond.
Endorsed by Andy A Hole
Flush – a-ah – cleaner of the universe
Flush – a-ah – it’ll clean everyone of us
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Flush – a-ah – it’s a miracle
Flush – a-ah – cleaning the impossible
Shit Hits the Fan
By · CommentsAlien Smith launched his solo career today and says its his brother fault.
New solo album by Alien Smith, a.k.a. Loo Tenant from The Wet Shit Boys
The Wet Shitboys finally split after a huge punch-up in Inksville last night.
It’s a sad, sad day for Shit Rock as the two brothers brawling marked the end of The Summer Of Milk and Kindness, even before it began.
It all went wrong before their slot had even started with a furious backstage argument. Alien Jones stormed into the dressing room wielding a jobbie like a axe. “He nearly took my wig off with it.” Smith said.
A witness in the Wet Camp said: “It all kicked off after a few jobbies where thrown back and forward between them.” It got totally out of hand very quickly and their jobbies just exploded. Alien Smith said: “It’s with great relief to tell you that I quit this shit tonight. I simply can not go on working with Alien Jones a day longer.
But last night Alien Jones was insisting to his herd that he would keep the band going without his twin brother. The climactic row also led to Jones throwing a fat one at his brother, which splattered against a young waiting fan and his parents, shortly before they were due to go on stage.
A spokesman for the band said: “We are all just so sad that it has come to such a messy end. Those are big jobbies that I’ve got to clear up and the biggest one hit that fan.
Alien Smith blamed the Wet Shit Boys split on Alien Jones who now sings along with The Chemical Toilet Brothers.
